- MAKE NO MISTAKE... - YOU GOT A DRUG TEST TOMORROW.
- DEATH IS NO JOKE. - [gasps]
- EXCEPT ON THIS SHOW. - [laughing]
- WE GOT A GUY WHO TRIED TO BEAT A DRUG TEST, AND LOST...
AND A WOMAN WHO WISHES SHE NEVER TRIED
TO MARRY A TERRORIST. [jubilant shouts]
HOW ABOUT THE ROOMMATE WHO GOT A KILLER TAN...
THE THUGS WHO GOT A BIG HEADS UP...
OR THERE'S THE FRENCH DUDE WHO LOST HIS HEAD.
AND FINALLY, FOR YOUR VIEWING PLEASURE...
- I'M GETTING OUR MANAGER. - A VERY BAD SANTA.
- AAH! - THE JOKE'S ON THEM
IN THIS NEXT EPISODE... [girls screaming]
OF 1000 WAYS TO DIE.
DEATH IS EVERYWHERE.
MOST OF US TRY TO AVOID IT,
OTHERS CAN'T GET OUT OF ITS WAY.
EVERY DAY, WE FIGHT A NEW WAR AGAINST GERMS, TOXINS,
INJURY, ILLNESS, AND CATASTROPHE.
THERE'S A LOT OF WAYS TO WIND UP DEAD.
THE FACT THAT WE SURVIVE AT ALL IS A MIRACLE.
BECAUSE EVERY DAY WE LIVE, WE FACE...
THREE HOT BABES LIVING IN THE SAME HOUSE.
THAT COULD BE A RECIPE FOR HORNY HARMONY.
OR, IF ONE OF THEM HAPPENS TO BE SHELLY,
PURE HELL.
- SHELLY, HAVE YOU SEEN MYBLITTLE BLACK DRESS?
- NO.
- SHELLY WAS THE KIND OF ROOMMATE WHO ACTED
AS IF EVERYTHING WAS HERS.
- WHO TOOK MY ICE CREAM?
- SHE BORROWED HER ROOMIES' CLOTHES,
ATE THEIR FOOD,
AND USED THEIR BEAUTY PRODUCTS.
- SHELLY!
- SOME PEOPLE HAVE A COMPULSION
TO TOUCH OTHER PEOPLE'S BELONGINGS.
IT HAS A LOT TO DO WITH THE DOMINATION,
THE CONTROL THAT ONE WOULD HAVE OVER SOME PERSON.
IT'S ALMOST LIKE A NARCISSISTIC LEVEL,
WHERE THEY BELIEVE THAT THINGS ARE DUE THEM.
THAT "I HAVE AS MUCH RIGHT TO THEM
AS THE PERSON THAT OWNS THEM."
- ONE OF HER ROOMMATES RECENTLY BOUGHT A TANNING BED.
NO ONE WAS SUPPOSED TO GO NEAR IT.
SHELLY PRACTICALLY LIVED IN IT.
ON THIS DAY, SHE FELL ASLEEP WHILE TANNING,
AND GOT MORE THAN SHE BARGAINED FOR.
JUST A BAD SUNBURN, SHE THOUGHT.
- OH...
- SHE POPPED SOME OF HER ROOMIE'S PAIN-KILLERS
TO SLEEP IT OFF.
THE NEXT MORNING, SHELLY NEEDED A SPATULA
TO GET OUT OF BED.
TURNS OUT WHAT SHE THOUGHT WAS MOISTURIZER...
- SHELLY, HAVEOU SEEN MY CREAM?
- WAS HER ROOMMATE'S PSORIOSIS MEDICATION.
IT CONTAINED PSORALEN,
A CHEMICAL THAT MAKES SKIN HIGHLY SENSITIVE
TO LIGHT AND HEAT.
WHILE KNOCKED OUT ON PAIN-KILLERS,
THE PSORALEN TURNED HER TANNING-BED SUNBURN
INTO SECOND-DEGREE BURNS ACROSS HER ENTIRE BODY.
- SHELLY, DID YOU TAKE MY PAIN-KILLERS?
AAH!
- SHE COLLAPSED INTO HER ROOMMATE'S ARMS,
DEAD FROM HEART FAILURE.
- [crying out]
- THE FACT THAT SHE USED THIS PSORALEN-BASED PRODUCT
OVER HER ENTIRE BODY,
WHICH THEN WAS ACCELERATED BY THE UV LIGHT,
RESULTED IN SECOND-DEGREE BURNS
OVER THE MAJORITY-- ALMOST 100%--OF HER TORSO.
BY THE TIME SHE WOKE UP, SHE HAD SIGNIFICANT DEHYDRATION,
AND WITHIN MINUTES, SHE DIED OF HYPOVOLEMIC
AND CARDIOGENIC SHOCK.
- SHELLY WAS A DEADBEAT WHO BORROWED, USED,
AND ATE HER FRIENDS OUT OF HOUSE AND HOME.
- WHO TOOK MY ICE CREAM?
- IT'S FITTING THAT THE ROOMMATE FROM HELL
WOUND UP BURNT TO A CRISP.
- AAH!
[crying out]
[middle eastern music]
- TANYA USED TO BE AN AWARD-WINNING JOURNALIST
WORKING THE MOST DANGEROUS PLACES IN THE MIDDLE EAST.
BUT SHE LOST HER PERSPECTIVE.
SHE DENOUNCED THE U.S., BECAME A MUSLIM.
AND NOW, TO SEAL THE DEAL...
- MY WIFE. [jubilant shouts]
- SHE'S ABOUT TO MARRY A TALIBAN TERRORIST.
- MOST OF THE PEOPLE THAT ARE RECRUITED
INTO TERRORIST ORGANIZATIONS
ARE INDIVIDUALS WHO FEEL UNDERVALUED.
AND THEY'RE EASILY ENTICED INTO GOING INTO ANOTHER WORLD,
WHERE THEY CAN NOT ONLY EXCEL,
BUBE PART OF SOMETHING THAT'S LARGER THAN LIFE.
WHICH WOULD YOU RATHER BE, A BUS DRIVER
OR A SUPER-TERRORIST?
- A TERRORIST WEDDING IS A SIMPLE AFFAIR,
FOR THE MOST PART.
A LOT OF BEARDED MEN AND OVERLY CLOTHED WOMEN
SHOUTING ANDIRING OFF THEIR CUTE LITTLE NOISEMAKERS.
[gunfire]
HAVING BEEN A SPOILED AND PAMPERED INFIDEL,
TANYA WASN'T USED TO HANDLING ANYTHING AS HEFTY
AS AN AK-47.
[all shouting]
BUT SHE WAED TO SHOW SHE COULD TALIBAN
AS HARD AS EVERYONE ELSE.
all: SHOOT! SHOOT! SHOOT!
[all cheering]
[panicked shouts]
- SHE SHOULD HAVE STUCK WITH HER LAPTOP.
ONE OF THE ROUNDS BOUNCED OFF A METAL PITCHER,
AND DIDN'T STOP UNTIL IT BANGED AROUND HER SKULL,
TURNING HER BRAIN INTO MUSH.
- WITH THE VELOCITY THAT IT HAD,
IT WAS ABLE TO ENTER E CRANIAL CAVITY,
BUT DID NOT SUSTAIN ENOUGH VELOCITY TO EXIT.
WHAT ENDS UP HAPPENING IS IT BOUNCES OFF
EACH SIDE OF THE CRANIUM,
LIKE A BALL IN A PINBALL MACHINE.
THE RESULTING DEATH WOULD BE FROM
MASSIVE INTERNAL HEMORRHAGE.
- TANYA WAS JUST ANOTHER BLEEDING HEART
WHO WENT NATIVE. - MY WIFE.
- SHE THOUGHT SHE WAS GOING TO HELP
OVERTHROW THE U.S.
IN THE END, SHE DID HER COUNTRY A HUGE FAVOR...
BY DYING.
COMING UP, TWO MILITIA MEN
GET A SPECIAL DELIVERY,
AND A MAFIOSO GETS TRASHED. - AAH!
- THE U.N. ESTIMATES THAT AT LEAST 50%
OF ALL RELIEF SUPPLIES IN AFRICA
NEVER REACH THEIR INTENDED DESTINATIONS.
[gunfire]
IF THAT'S TRUE, IT'S BECAUSE OF HEARTLESS BASTARDS,
LIKE THESE TWO.
AHMED AND ALI ARE MEMBERS OF A ROGUE MILITIA GROUP
IN DARFUR.
THEY SPEND THEIR DAYS TERRORIZING THE WEAK AND HUNGRY.
- WE DROP RELIEF SUPPLIES FROM AIRPLANES
FOR A COUPLE OF REASONS.
ONE IS THAT IT'S TOO DANGEROUS
TO PUT AID WORKERS IN HARM'S WAY.
AND THE THE SECOND IS THE TERRAIN DOESN'T ALLOW US
TO GET IN WITH LARGE TRUCKS.
FIRST PEOPLE TO GET TO THE CONTAINERS
ARE THESE MILITIA GROUPS,
AND SO THERE'S A TENDENCY TO DROP MORE THAN IS NECESSARY
TO HELP ASSURE THAT SOME OF THE SUPPLIES
REACH THE POPULATION THEY'RE INTENDED TO.
- SINCE 2003, OVER 300,000 HAVE DIED IN DARFUR
FROM STARVATION OR VIOLENCE.
[gunfire]
AHMED AND ALI WOULD ALWAYS CELEBRATE THEIR ACTS OF CRUELTY
BY GETTING FILTHY DRUNK.
WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT IF PEOPLE THIS EVIL
GOT WHAT'S COMING TO THEM?
[aircraft overhead] HOLD ON. WHAT'S THAT SOUND?
- [speaking native language]
- SAY HELLO TO TWO TONS OF INSTANT KARMA.
A RELIEF CONTAINER CHUTE DIDN'T OPEN,
AND THE COSMIC UNIVERSE DISPLAYED PERFECT AIM...
BY DROPPING IT ON THEIR HEADS.
- THEY'RE STANDING THERE CASUALLY,
AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, OUT OF THE SKY COMES
THIS TWO-TON, 4,000-POUND BOX.
FIRST, IT'S GONNA HIT YOU IN THE HEAD...
DRIVE YOUR SKULL DOWN INTO YOUR CERVICAL SPINE,
BREAK YOUR NECK, CRUSH YOUR HEART AND YOUR LUNGS.
WITH BROKEN BONES ALL OVER, A RAG DOLL, LIMP AND DEAD.
- CAUSE OF DEATH... TAKE YOUR PICK.
IT AHMED AND ALI WERE ALLOWED TO LOOK INTO THE FUTURE
AND SEE HOW THEIR LIVES WOULD END...
THEY'D BE CRUSHED.
LOOK UP AT ANY CITY SKYLINE,
AND YOU CAN BE SURE OF ONE THING--
SOMEBODY MANNING A CRANE HELPED BUILD IT.
RAMON HAD THE SKILLS TO PAY THE BILLS.
BUT HE WAS A BIG CRANE OPERATOR
WITH A BIG SECRET.
PERUVIAN MARCHING POWDER GOT HIM THROUGH
HIS LONG AND HARD WORK DAYS.
EVERYTHING WAS GOING FINE UNTIL HIS FOREMAN DROPPED A BOMB.
- RAMON. - WHAT?
- YOU GOT A DRUG TEST TOMORROW.
- THIS WAS NO SIMPLE URINE TEST.
CRANE OPERATORS HAVE TO UNDERGO
A FULL BLOOD ANALYSIS.
BUT RAMON HAD AN ACE UP HIS SLEEVE.
- RAMON! - WHAT?
- HIS GIRLFRIEND WAS A COOK AT A HOSPITAL.
- I'VE GOT EVERYTHING YOU NEED. I'VE GOT THE BLOOD,
I'VE GOT THE NEEDLES.
- SHE WAS ABLE TO SNEAK OUT A BAG OF BLOOD--
THE SAME BLOOD TYPE AS HIS.
HIS PLAN... BRING THE BLOOD TO WORK,
AND RIGHT BEFORE THE TEST,
RUN THE CLEAN BLOOD INTO HIS BODY.
- OH, HEY.
DON'T FORGET THAT DRUG TEST THIS AFTERNOON.
- OH, YEAH, YEAH.
I'M READY TO DONATE ALL DAY.
- IN THIS SITUATION, THIS INDIVIDUAL BELIEVED
THAT HE COULD CHEAT THE BLOOD TEST
BY DILUTING OUT THE COCAINE SAMPLE,
WHICH IS FOOLISH.
IT'S NOT-- IT'S NOT POSSIBLE.
- AS PLANS GO, THIS ONE HAD MORE HOLES IN IT
THAN A JUNKIE'S ARM.
- SUCKERS.
- FOR EXAMPLE, HIS GIRLFRIEND WARNED HIM--
- IT CAN'T BE COLD. - I GET IT.
- OR ELSE YOU COULD DIE, OKAY?
- BUT RAMON WAS TOO HIGH TO LISTEN.
HE FED THE COLD BLOOD INTO HIS VEIN,
AND AS SOON AS IT HIT HIS HEART...
HE WAS LIGHTS OUT.
- IF BLOOD KEPT AT 38 DEGREES
IS TRANSFUSED INTO THE BODY,
THIS COULD HAVE A SERIOUS SIDE EFFECT,
ESPECIALLY ON THE HEART.
IT CAN AFFECT THE NATURAL PACEMAKER OF THE HEART,
LEADING THE HEART TO HAVE IRREGULAR HEARTBEATS,
WHICH THULD THEN LEAD TO VENTRICULAR FIBRILLATION
AND VENTRICULAR TACHYCARDIA, WHICH ARE DEADLY.
- EVEN CRANE OPERATORS NEED A LIFT.
RAMON JUST USED THE WRONG SUBSTANCE...
HAD THE WRONG PLAN TO BEAT THE TEST.
- SUCKERS.
- THE ONLY THING HE GOT RIGHT...
DYING.
GET A LOAD OF THIS UGLY MUG.
HIS NAME IS CARMINE.
HE'S A WISE GUY WHO TOOK A FALL FOR THE DON,
SO HE'S BEEN SERVING A TWO-YEAR SENTENCE
FOR ASSAULT AND BATTERY.
- WE FIND THAT YOU ARE SUFFICIENTLY REHABILITATED
TO GO OUT ON A WORK-RELEASE PROGRAM.
- CARMINE HAD CONVINCED EVERYONE
HE WAS READY TO CLEAN UP HIS ACT.
SO THE DON CALLED IN A FAVOR
AND GOT CARMINE A JOB CLEANING UP THE STREETS.
BUT CARMINE HAD NO INTENTION OF GETTING HIS HANDS DIRTY.
- HEY, THIS IS HOW IT'S GONNA BE.
YOU'RE GONNA DRIVE THE TRUCK.
YOU'RE GONNA TAKE OUT THE TRASH.
AND ME, I'M GONNA SUPERVISE.
- YEAH, RIGHT.
- WHEN THE PROBATION OFFICER GO OUT
TO CHECK ON A DEFENDANT,
AND IF THE DEFENDANT IS NOT DOING HIS JOB,
THEN HE CAN GET VIOLATED AND RETURNED BACK TO COURT.
THEY CAN GET THEMSELVES RIGHT BACK INTO SQUARE ONE,
WHICH MEANS PRISON.
- ARE YOU GONNA HELP ME WITH THIS ONE?
- NOPE.
- CARMINE DID A LOT OF... SUPERVISING.
BUT HE WAS QUICK TO SING A DIFFERENT TUNE
AROUND HIS PROBATION OFFICER.
- THINGS HAVE BEEN GREAT FOR THE LAST TWO WEEKS.
LET ME SHOW YOU WHAT I'VE BEEN DOING.
- AS HE WAS SHOWING OFF
HOW HARD HE WORKED,
CARMINE'S CO-WORKER WAS TALKING.
CARMINE MIGHT HAVE BEEN A WISE GUY,
BUT HE WASN'T TOO SMART.
PERHAPS IF HE HAD ACTUALLY DONE
SOME OF THE HARD LABOR,
CARMINE WOULD HAVE KNOWN HOW TO LOCK
THE DUMPSTER'S WHEELS IN PLACE.
- AAH!
[Carmine groaning]
- HEY... BADA BING, BADA BOOM.
- THIS DUMPSTER WEIGHED 500 POUNDS.
IT HAD 300 POUNDS OF GARBAGE INSIDE IT.
IT WAS TRAVELING AT OVER 15 MILES PER HOUR.
THIS IS MORE THAN 12,000 UNITS OF FORCE.
WHEN THE SHARP SECTION ON THE DUMPSTER
HIT THIS MAN'S MIDRIFF, IT CAUSED THE GUT TO RUPTURE.
AND ALL THE CONTENTS WOULD JUST GET EXTRUDED OUT.
AND HE EFFECTIVELY EXPLODED THTO DEATH.
- CARMINE MADE PAROLE,
AND WENT BACK TO HIS BAD BEHAVIOR.
HE HAD NO INTENTION OF TAKING OUT THE TRASH,
SO THE TRASH...
- AAH!
- TOOK HIM OUT!
UP NEXT, THE FRENCH HAVE ALWAYS BEEN...
A LITTLE LIGHTHEADED.
AND YOU STILL THINK SANTA'S REAL?
- YOU'RE FIRED, OKAY? - OH!
- YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS.
- AAH!
- NATHANIEL IS A MAN ON A MISSION.
THE YEAR IS 1925.
THE LOCATION, A PARIS PRISON.
NATHANIEL IS DETERMINED TO ABOLISH
ONE OF HISTORY'S MOST NOTORIOUS METHODS OF EXECUTION...
[speaking French]
THE GUILLOTINE.
DON'T WASTE YOUR PITY ON THIS GUY.
IF NICHOLAS WAS GUILTY OF ONLY HALF
THE MURDERS AND RAPES HE'S ACCUSED OF,
HE WOULD STILL DESER TO DIE.
- THE GUILLOTINE WAS INVENTED IN 1792,
AND REPLACED THE AXE AS A MORE HUMANE FORM OF EXUTION.
THE HEAVY, ANGLED BLADE SLICED THROUGH THE VICTIM'S NECK
QUICKLY AND CLEANLY.
GUILLOTINE EXECUTIONS WERE COMMON IN FRANCE
FOR OVER THREE CENTURIES,
WITH THE LAST ONE TAKING PLACE IN 1977.
- NATHANIEL HAS GOTTEN PERMISSION
FROM PRISON OFFICIALS AND FROM NICHOLAS
TO STUDY HIS HEAD, RIGHT AFTER BEING SEVERED.
NATHANIEL BELIEVES, AS MANY DO,
THAT THE BRAIN RETAINS CONSCIOUSNESS
FOR SEVERAL SECONDS AFTER THE BLADE DOES ITS DIRTY WORK.
IF THIS WAS TRUE, THE ARGUMENT COULD BE MADE
THAT DEATH BY GUILLOTINE WAS INHUMANE.
THE BIG MOMENT CAME.
NATHANIEL STARED INTO THE EYES OF THE SEVERED HEAD.
- SCIENTISTS HAVE BEEN DEBATING THIS QUESTION FOR YEARS.
THE LACK OF BRAIN TRAUMA BY GUILLOTINE MEANS
THERE IS THE POSSIBILITY THAT THEY MAY BE ABLE TO SEE,
HEAR, OR EVEN SENSE, EVEN UP TO A MINUTE.
THERE IS STILL BLOOD IN THE BRAIN.
THERE'S STILL OXYGEN.
AND HE COULD BE CONSCIOUS UNTIL HE DIED
FROM LACK OF OXYGEN.
- NICHOLAS. NICHOLAS! NICHOLAS!
- WHATEVER NATHANIEL WAS HOPING TO FIND WASN'T THERE.
JUST SOME INVOLUNTARY TWITCHING.
WE'VE GONE BACK AND LOOKED AT EXECUTIONS AND TORTURES
THROUGHOUT THE AGES.
BUT OUT OF ALL OF THEM, THE GUILLOTINE WILL KILL YOU...
IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE.
'TWAS THREE WEEKS BEFORE CHRISTMAS,
AND RIGHT OUTSIDE THE MALL,
NOT A CREATURE WAS STIRRING,
EXCEPT TWO HOT ELVES, AND A STONER SANTA NAMED PAUL.
- YOU WANT? - NO.
- TRY THIS. THIS IS GOOD STUFF. - NO, THANKS.
- THERE WERE NCUTE CHILDREN TO SIT AND TO POSE.
THEIR PARENTS WERE ALL BROKE,
THEIR HOMES ALL FORECLOSED.
THIS WAS NO ST. NICK, BUT HE SURE LIKED HIS HOS.
HE FELT UP THE ELVES...
- LOVE THAT OUTFIT OF YOURS, BABY.
- TILL THEY SLAPPED HIM AND SAID...
- IF YOU LAY ONE MORE OF YOUR FILTHY FINGERS ON HER,
I'M GETTING OUR MANAGER.
- A BEGINNING SANTA CAN MAKE UP TO 100 BUCKS AN HOUR,
WHEREAS A VETERAN SANTA CAN MAKE UP TO
175 TO 200 BUCKS AN HOUR.
IF SANTA WORKS 40 HOURS A WEEK DURING THE HOLIDAY SEASON,
HE CAN BRING IN UP TO $10,000 IN HOLIDAY WAGES.
- ON REEFER, ON SPLEEF, ON BLUNTY, ON BONE,
[laughing maniacally]
THIS SANTA WAS A JUNKIE... - MMM.
- ALL HE DID WAS GET STONED.
THE MALL MANAGER GOT FLUSTERED,
AND LET OUT A BIG CRY.
- YOU'RE FIRED, OKAY?
- OH, COME ON! - GET OUT OF HERE!
GET OUT OF HERE! - AND SANTA GOT BUSTED
FOR BEING SO HIGH.
- WHAT'S GOING ON? HEY!
- THIS RAT-BEARDED STONER
FINALLY LOOKED TO THE SKY,
AND TOOK A LARGE ICICLE...
- AAH! - [gasps]
- RIGHT IN THE EYE. [both screaming]
- THE KEY TO AN ICICLE IS THE FACT THAT
WHEN WATER RE-FREEZES, IT RELEASES HEAT.
AS THE WATER DRIPS DOWN THAT ICICLE,
THE RELEASED HEAD ACTUALLY FORMS LIKE A BLANKET.
THE TOP OF THE ICICLE FORMS SLOWLY.
THE TIP OF THE ICICLE FORMS RAPIDLY.
ICICLES COULD GROW AS BIG AS 100 FEET.
SHOULD THOSE ICICLES BREAK, YOU'RE TALKING
INCREDIBLY DANGEROUS SITUATIONS FOR PEDESTRIANS,
PEOPLE DRIVING IN CARS BELOW.
OF COURSE, THERE HAVE BEEN SITUATIONS
WHERE PEOPLE HAVE ACTUALLY BEEN KILLED
BY ICICLES FALLING FROM BUILDINGS,
AND FROM DIFFERENT LOCATIONS.
- THIS SANTA WAS A LOSER, NO DOUBT ABOUT THAT.
- LOVE THAT OUTFIT OF YOURS, BABY.
- MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL...
- YOU'RE FIRED. GET OUT OF HERE! - OH, COME ON!
- AND THANK GOD HE GOT WHACKED.
- AAH!
[both screaming]